Well, boo.

We just had our third (THIRD!!!) buyer fall through on our rental in San Jacinto. I'm so frustrated. I don't even care (haha, okay, maybe a little bit) if we get the place, I just don't want to be in flux anymore. I'm not so good with the whole 'patience' thing. I can pretend to be for short amounts of time, but months and months? Not so much. Maybe I should be working on it instead of sulking (duh).

There really aren't any other places with property in our price range, though. Ideally we could live in Vista or San Marcos on an acre or two and be happy, but without trying to get something on auction it isn't going to happen. I'm so mad at the whole thing I want to move to the Midwest and buy a nice place for cash. Stupid nice weather here! Ha.

I'm too grouchy to be blogging right now, I think. Just a quick update then: we're still in escrow on Querencia, but the sellers are getting impatient. San Jacinto needs to sell before we can buy it. Who knows. I trust God for the details of our lives, though I really wish I could get a printed itinerary.

Surrender

I am.... frustrated. The escrow isn't working out on the place we have to sell because they're short 2000 dollars. $2k. Such a seemingly small amount of money in the grand scheme of house buying. Without that home selling, we can't buy Querencia. If the whole deal falls through, we'll have to find another buyer and hope that it closes in time for our escrow on Q to not expire.

I got this news from Jake yesterday after a loooooong day, and I was well on my way to misery with my terrible attitude. Then that wonderful man of mine went into the kitchen, started washing the dishes, and whistling "I Surrender All".

Damn it. Way to ruin my pity party, man.

He did exactly what what needed in that moment to soften my hard heart. Not preaching at me or making me feel stupid for feeling the way I did, just serving me with cleaning and loving me with a gentle whistle on those blessed lips. Thank God for him, you know?

Who knows if we'll still end up in Pala? I love the land, I love the area, and I even secretly love the crazy house. But I love the Lord more, and I know that He is more than capable of putting us where we need to be, whether it's there or here or wherever else on earth. Maybe our job of loving our neighbors isn't done here in Escondido, or maybe it's just one of those things that we'll never see how the threads make sense until we see the whole tapestry someday.

That said, I'm still really disappointed. We went up there last weekend to see if the crazy winds had broken anything, and we climbed the big rock under the big oak tree in the middle of the property.

This is the view

This is the tree and the rock.

I'm like a love-sick teenager thinking about it all the time, dreaming about it, doodling my name in a notebook with its last name... Okay, maybe not that last one. But I love it. And I even love the ridiculous weeds that cover every inch of it. 

Did I say weeds? 

I mean lovely things in hard places...

...for shade and shape and softness. 

Whatever happens, God is good and faithful to us, and we trust Him to lead us where he would have us go. I just reeeeeeally really hope it's here. If you'd like, you can pray with us that our other house will sell, that our timeline doesn't compromise the escrow, and that when all of that happens the inspections will make the bank happy and make us happy, with no new septic tank or roof needed. Either of those things will kill our entire renovation budget. Oh, and if the well water is bad, that's a complete deal breaker for us, so we're praying for that, too.

The Lord knows whats up.

All to Jesus, I surrender;

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,

All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,

I surrender all.

It's Happening! Almost.

I should have posted earlier, but I'm in a weird head-space. I'm trembling with joy and fear and good old-fashioned trepidation. We're in escrow on Querencia, contingent on selling our rental property in San Jacinto that's also half-way through escrow. Jake did a lot of work on that place to make it sell fast, and by a lot, I mean driving up there every day after work for two weeks, and two weekends of not-stopping-for-food cleaning and patching and painting, spending the nights on a hard floor, and landscaping in a yard 200 yards from a dairy farm, so working through flies of plague proportions. The boys and I went up to help twice, and Dan loved counting the cows and 'helping' me vacuum. I got sad thinking about those cows covered in their own filth, eating God knows what, but that's another story for another day. I get a little crazy about how animals should be treated. Hold on while I go get myself a glass of raw milk from Organic Pastures...

Still with the crazy lady? Good. Because this crazy idea is becoming reality. We're going to live on more land than we know what to do with (yet), in a house bigger than we'll ever know what to do with, and we're going to let our little boys run wild and pray, pray, pray they don't break all of their bones. We want to fill our home with orphans and the displaced, but first we need to make it livable. That's seeming like a bigger and bigger job every time we look around. I'm definitely a throw-myself-in-headfirst kind of gal, so thank God (really, I do every day) that Jake is there to be my steadying influence. I want chickens and a huge garden and foster kids and summer-visiting orphans from Ukraine and a fully renovated, furnished home (with curtains, rugs, art, etc) and dogs and parties, all at once. Jake is a bit more practical, and wants the water, power, broken railings, and other needed repairs to be fixed first. Boring, amirite? And there a lot of little things that are going to add up:

Like piles of this everywhere

And random corners with holes in them

And seriously with the random wiring everywhere?

And all kinds of little boy hazards.

So there's a lot to do. Add to that cleaning and fixing up our condo to rent out, and I'm in a cold, tremble-y sweat. And Jake is going to a bachelor party in Vegas and the UK for one week, maybe two in June for work.  June, the month we're going to be moving in. Bless his precious soul, he's so stressed out about it. I don't know why everything always happens at once, but it really, really does. It never rains but it pours, feast or famine, boom or bust, etc., etc. There's nothing he can do about these things, but he's stressing about them anyway. That man of mine is so good. He's also a workaholic who forgets to eat for an entire day because he's cleaning and painting. He's insane. I'll only do those things if I know there is a specific time, with specific food that I will get, and then after a quick nap and maybe a show on Amazon Instant Watch maybe I'll start painting again.

Unfortunately, our budget dropped a bit when we had to drop the price of the San Jacinto house, and with inspections and basic repairs I'm not sure how much we'll really get done before we move in. Probably paint, hopefully floors, and probably not adding a shower to one side of the upstairs suites, which right now only has a sink and toilet. We were hoping to build that so that we could more easily rent those two huge rooms & their landing (that also have their own separate stairs) to help supplement the mortgage while we're renovating, but I don't know if that's going to happen now. There is another full bathroom, but it's downstairs, right by the front door, so that won't be particularly attractive to housemates. We're also legitimately considering renting out any or all of the three huge garages for storage. Being house-poor isn't exactly where we wanted to be, but these beautiful five acres are exactly where we want to be, and I don't think we could ever find another deal like this one. If all goes according to plan (is that God I hear laughing?), we aren't going to ever move again. It's the kind of place we want to live the rest of our lives in. If it doesn't burn down in the wildfires. Haaaaaaahhhhhhh, deep breath.

Because there are places like this

And this

And sweet little window ledges like this that are soon to become reading nooks (with window guards because I'm not crazy)

It's always seemed to us like the only way to go-- the worst house in the best place, then work our little tails off for years and years to make it what we want. But now that I'm looking at those years and years in the face, I'm feeling faintly sick. Adventure is not for the weak-hearted, so I'm praying hard for some courage.

Incidentally, how does one become a hardworking homesteader? Is there like a book I can buy or something? Someone who can come teach me how and save me from all of the mistakes? No? Huh.

At least it will be interesting. Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing. (Thanks for that gem, Helen Keller. Now I'm inspired to like, do hard stuff. Booooo.)

Waiting for Quiet

The view from the upstairs balcony

Oh, how I want to live somewhere quiet! While I don't mind the sound of kids playing, I could definitely do without the sounds of teenagers trying to be cool and swearing like little punks. And the traffic noise. And the dueling music blasting from every other apartment. It would be lovely to live in community with the people around us, but most of time trying to talk to neighbors hasn't worked out. I don't know if it's personality, cultural, or what. It doesn't help that we're pretty shy people. Everyone has smiles for our outgoing Dan's cheery hellos and Adam's chubby, gummy grins, but as grown ups we've had no luck.

I'm so excited to live somewhere we can leave the windows open at night and still hear each other talk & have the boys stay asleep. Well, I say stay asleep, but they don't really do that period. Sometimes they sleep, but I think they might be faking it to make me feel better. I want the quiet to sink into our bones, but I know that the only real quiet can happen anywhere, when we rest in the Lord and his promises. Promises of love, hope, and mercy. I don't need to be in the country for that, but it does seem like more time to think, in audible quiet, with a bit of enforced media silence may help.

We're making inches of progress with Querencia. We have a signed purchase agreement, and a disclosure saying that we live in a very high fire danger area. Very. High. So that's cool. There are sprinklers on the roof, but two tall trees that don't look good for fire safety, as beautiful as they are. Jake is making ridiculous plans to build a dugout fire shelter to stay on the property in case of a wildfire, complete with oxygen and water pump/nozzle something-or-others. We'll see how that plays out, because if I'm uncomfortable with him riding his motorcycle please believe I'm not going to be okay with him staying during a fire. We also found out that we have to pay an extra $150/yr to the fire department to protect our house, so that's kind of weird. I mean, I get it, but it's not something I've heard of before.

Even though we don't know if we have the property yet, we're going full steam planning how we're going to remodel. There are short term plans, like paint and flooring and curtains, and long term plans like building a 15'x15' deck with hot tub, farm table, and trellises with vines for shade. It's lovely to dream about, but I'm hesitant to plan too much before we know for sure. I'm completely in love with that weird, beat-up dream home of ours. I'm going to be crazy sad if it doesn't happen. Fingers crossed, dreams dreamed, prayers prayed. Still waiting.


Do you have a dream for your home, present or future? Do you get excited by paint chips and flooring samples? Leave me a comment with your ideas, dreams, favorite paint colors, or whatever. 

The Waiting Game & Faith

Waiting...

So, buying this house is going sooooo slowwwwly. We still haven't received the purchase agreement, even though it's been almost two weeks now. Since an attorney has signed the papers we do have, we're hoping it's just a slow business process, and not that they're just holding out for better offers. They accepted our offer at below asking price, but we were feeling really lucky about that. The thing is, even though this place is expensive, we know that it has all of the potential to be our dream home, and we'll never move. I want it so bad... and I feel like we won't get it.

When something feels too good to be true, a good rule of thumb is that it is. It definitely isn't the place for everyone, but it's perfect for us, so I'm hoping that we can get in on those grounds.

I hate waiting. I keep thinking of Psalm 27 though: "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" The thing is, though, I don't know if it's in God's will for us to live here. I mean, we obviously don't think that he's against it, or else we wouldn't be going for it. We believe that God wants us to live to further His kingdom and honor Him and love & take care of each other. The details, when in line with that, are up to us. So the problem is, I'm terrified of trusting in the false gospel of American prosperity and "name-it-and-claim-it" crap. I don't always feel like it's "okay" to ask God for things like a new house, even when I'm thinking of the hospitality we'll give and the hard work and growth we'll find there. I don't want any part of my mind to buy in to bargaining with God as a valid choice. I've been wrestling with interpreting scripture to nail that down for a while now, and I'm still not clear on what is truth. For now, I'm praying with a guarded "please, please, if it is good." I think it will be good, and it's where my heart is, but it's more important to me that my heart is where God's is. I can change, if I have to. I don't want to. But 28 years of experience and a wealth of reading & hearing others' experiences has led me to firmly believe that God's plans are greater than ours, and that being on His side is the only place I want to be.

That said, I'm really tired of waiting. Jake is just really tired. He's been spending every day since Sunday working until after 11pm to get our place ready to sell, on top of his stressful 9-10 hours at work. He's a natural born hard worker, but this is way beyond his norm. I love that man of mine for doing what needs to be done, even though he's tired and frustrated. It is good, good to get to share life with him. I hope we get to build more of our life in our querencia.

So tonight I'll remind myself of God's faithfulness and steadfast love. Wherever we end up, it will be good. Though it might be easier to build better habits in a new start, I should be working on them now. I don't want to wait for the "right time" to be good and brave and holy. God certainly hasn't waited for me to get my ish together to bless me. His mercies are new every morning, great is His faithfulness! Whatever happens, we'll be just fine.

Blogging with Littles

Blogging with kiddies is a dangerous business. You think you're just writing for fun, with no consequences, and the next thing you know your computer has apple juice in the keyboard and peanut butter on the screen. 
Good thing they're pretty cute, as you can see here. Or as I can see. I don't know. Other people's kids are rarely as adorable as their parents think they are, but that's what mamas are for. 

***************************

Dan: "Mama! What are you doing?"

Me: "Just writing a story. (Before he can ask me to read it all because he looooves mama reading him every word in sight) A boring, grown-up story. 

D: "I can write a story! Can I try?"

Me: *quiet sigh, I was on a roll* "Sure! You can push the buttons and we'll do it together."

D: "Okay. My best story."

[So here follows my 3 year old's first computer-written story:]

gqwer5tjuiiooloit e
Translation: "I want to write a story that will tell Rock and Abby and Kyleigh."

gk./'hk;[outrdwrkuphdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd 
Translation: "Kyleigh and Rock, I can get some cookies and ice cream for them. And from the ice cream cart because it's good. And Uncle Greg has dogs and Aunt Judy has good cookies."

aifffeeeeeefnndslcieiaanc;annfrei45w faa;hfffffffffffrs
Translation: "I like Abby and I was... I love Amy, too, and Mike and David and Abby mostly and Rock and baby Ruby and the big kids and my cousins."

kjhgtttttttyo[ur3221mllllkiiiioolkjjjjjhhhdDjjhko98u80khkjjhjjkiyhjk;;kjhggggfuiii9ujjjjjjhgfhjkjkkmmmmnmkhhkjjggtylll;;;piyyyyyhhjhhjjjhgyty6666tjuuuuuuuuuuuii
Translation: "Dan loves Abby and David and Mike and Rock and Nellie and Ruby and Rock and Kyleigh and Dan. I'm a really good speller. That spells what I say."

**********************

So there you have it. A bit weak on plot, I'll admit, but full of love. Not bad for now.

Nerves

I am so nervous, y'all.

Buying a house is a really big decision, and a really big commitment. Beyond the change in day-to-day life, there will be financial changes, changes in commute, and a million other tiny things that will add up to an entire lifestyle change. While I know that a more active and hardworking lifestyle will bring good, good things, I think the adjustment period will be rough. I mean, dogs and chickens and gardens are all well and good to think about, but the actual care that they'll require in addition to my small boys is daunting. And then there's the TV situation... I LOVE TV. Seriously. I love relaxing at the end of the day with a glass of wine or herbal tea and watching Grimm or OUAT or New Girl. And to lose my pretend-best-friend Leslie Knope? Nope. AND DOCTOR WHO! It makes my guts hurt a little bit. Because without internet, there is no Hulu or Netflix or Amazon Instant Watch. #firstworldproblems, amirite? I suppose I could go make real, human friends, but if that was as easily said as done it would be. Done and done.

Real friends are a lot harder to make after college, especially when you're a stay at home mama. Getting together to form lasting bonds isn't as simple as grabbing coffee or dinner at the caf. It requires working around nap schedules, babysitters, littles with colds, and finding a place to play where those precious angels won't destroy everything in sight. I'm really excited that our home will have room to play, inside and out, but convincing friends to drive to Pala will take some doing. Maybe I'll start an outdoor adventure training open playdate. Let kids learn some independence in a relatively safe "wilderness" setting. And get really good liability insurance...

I'm so terrified of and exhilarated by change. I crave it, but when I see it coming I get nervous and fall back into old, safe patterns. That's why every day I think of how I'm so blessed to have Jake as my partner. He's logical, brave, handy, and pretty much amazing at everything. He was born with the common sense & practical know-how people like me can only dream of. Maybe he stole it. That's why it's so lacking in so many other people-- he got his big, strong hands on it.

But YOU GUYS. If we get this place, there will be room enough for me to have a library. A teeny, tiny one, but enough space for a whole room to be devoted to books and words and writing! It will probably have to include all of Jake's accounting stuff and and office for him, but STILL. It's a dream come true.

We're going up there again tomorrow to check out the condition of a few more things and try to pin down how much we'll really have to do to make it livable. Buying a fixer-upper is one thing, living in it with very small children is another. We'll get it to the point that we have a safe place for them to play and us to live, and the rest will just have to come as we can manage it.

My nerves might be coming from not sleeping though. These boys are awful. I mean, wonderful. I mean... they're children. A blessing from the Lord who challenge me to be more patient and kind and more like my Father. It's super hard, and when I'm tired everything is harder. As much as I hate the Christianeze term "seasons", I do keep reminding myself that this is just a season. They won't be awake forever. They won't be adorable and tiny and precocious forever, either.

Nerves are a bit of a waste of time. The things I'm nervous about will happen, or not. I'm just going to work on trusting that these things are being done for God's glory and our joy.