Nerves

I am so nervous, y'all.

Buying a house is a really big decision, and a really big commitment. Beyond the change in day-to-day life, there will be financial changes, changes in commute, and a million other tiny things that will add up to an entire lifestyle change. While I know that a more active and hardworking lifestyle will bring good, good things, I think the adjustment period will be rough. I mean, dogs and chickens and gardens are all well and good to think about, but the actual care that they'll require in addition to my small boys is daunting. And then there's the TV situation... I LOVE TV. Seriously. I love relaxing at the end of the day with a glass of wine or herbal tea and watching Grimm or OUAT or New Girl. And to lose my pretend-best-friend Leslie Knope? Nope. AND DOCTOR WHO! It makes my guts hurt a little bit. Because without internet, there is no Hulu or Netflix or Amazon Instant Watch. #firstworldproblems, amirite? I suppose I could go make real, human friends, but if that was as easily said as done it would be. Done and done.

Real friends are a lot harder to make after college, especially when you're a stay at home mama. Getting together to form lasting bonds isn't as simple as grabbing coffee or dinner at the caf. It requires working around nap schedules, babysitters, littles with colds, and finding a place to play where those precious angels won't destroy everything in sight. I'm really excited that our home will have room to play, inside and out, but convincing friends to drive to Pala will take some doing. Maybe I'll start an outdoor adventure training open playdate. Let kids learn some independence in a relatively safe "wilderness" setting. And get really good liability insurance...

I'm so terrified of and exhilarated by change. I crave it, but when I see it coming I get nervous and fall back into old, safe patterns. That's why every day I think of how I'm so blessed to have Jake as my partner. He's logical, brave, handy, and pretty much amazing at everything. He was born with the common sense & practical know-how people like me can only dream of. Maybe he stole it. That's why it's so lacking in so many other people-- he got his big, strong hands on it.

But YOU GUYS. If we get this place, there will be room enough for me to have a library. A teeny, tiny one, but enough space for a whole room to be devoted to books and words and writing! It will probably have to include all of Jake's accounting stuff and and office for him, but STILL. It's a dream come true.

We're going up there again tomorrow to check out the condition of a few more things and try to pin down how much we'll really have to do to make it livable. Buying a fixer-upper is one thing, living in it with very small children is another. We'll get it to the point that we have a safe place for them to play and us to live, and the rest will just have to come as we can manage it.

My nerves might be coming from not sleeping though. These boys are awful. I mean, wonderful. I mean... they're children. A blessing from the Lord who challenge me to be more patient and kind and more like my Father. It's super hard, and when I'm tired everything is harder. As much as I hate the Christianeze term "seasons", I do keep reminding myself that this is just a season. They won't be awake forever. They won't be adorable and tiny and precocious forever, either.

Nerves are a bit of a waste of time. The things I'm nervous about will happen, or not. I'm just going to work on trusting that these things are being done for God's glory and our joy.